FMS-Blog : The Wildly Whimsical, Mostly Musical WebLog
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Moving On
I've always had difficulty saying goodbye for good. I suppose it comes back down to that old adage about never saying "never", cause you just don't know what's around the corner. But, sometimes it gets to the point where it's nothing short of obvious that a connection has to be cut once and for all.
And so I find myself typing the words again and trying really hard to mean it this time, like some kind of drug addict promising himself that he'll never touch that stuff again; understanding, as he always has, that his relationship to some substance has only ever been a destructive one and the best possible thing he could do for himself and those around him is let go of it permanently.
But, as hard as it is for those trying to kick heroine or cocaine, breaking the emotional, mental and, let's face it, habitual attachment to another human being is in a wholly different league. I think I could fight for the rest of my life against the illness of needing to be close to someone and still not overcome it. However, moments of clarity present themselves and give me a window through which I see myself and some of the unhealthy relationships I maintain, even if only by means of the most tenuous, fragile links... like the longest, thinnest lines that connect the edge of a spider's web to the corner of a dark room, stretched taut and barely holding on.
During these moments I see that working hard to keep these connections live simply isn't worth it... has never been worth it! Like an upgraded computer network that has outgrown and outpowered the client machines, I simply have to cut off some of the parasitic slaves and to concentrate on relationships that are mutual in nature.
As painful as it is to let go of anything that's just kinda been there for so long, it can only be the sensible thing to do. This process of clearing out the closet and making room for the new brings my thoughts back to a January 1st resolution I had a few years ago and perhaps haven't entirely kept to since then: that we should hold the past dear and have respect for it, but we should always avoid letting the it creep back into our present or our future. I'll try harder to bear this in mind in the coming days... who knows what they might have in store!
And so I find myself typing the words again and trying really hard to mean it this time, like some kind of drug addict promising himself that he'll never touch that stuff again; understanding, as he always has, that his relationship to some substance has only ever been a destructive one and the best possible thing he could do for himself and those around him is let go of it permanently.
But, as hard as it is for those trying to kick heroine or cocaine, breaking the emotional, mental and, let's face it, habitual attachment to another human being is in a wholly different league. I think I could fight for the rest of my life against the illness of needing to be close to someone and still not overcome it. However, moments of clarity present themselves and give me a window through which I see myself and some of the unhealthy relationships I maintain, even if only by means of the most tenuous, fragile links... like the longest, thinnest lines that connect the edge of a spider's web to the corner of a dark room, stretched taut and barely holding on.
During these moments I see that working hard to keep these connections live simply isn't worth it... has never been worth it! Like an upgraded computer network that has outgrown and outpowered the client machines, I simply have to cut off some of the parasitic slaves and to concentrate on relationships that are mutual in nature.
As painful as it is to let go of anything that's just kinda been there for so long, it can only be the sensible thing to do. This process of clearing out the closet and making room for the new brings my thoughts back to a January 1st resolution I had a few years ago and perhaps haven't entirely kept to since then: that we should hold the past dear and have respect for it, but we should always avoid letting the it creep back into our present or our future. I'll try harder to bear this in mind in the coming days... who knows what they might have in store!
